.x| Life of the Fallen |x.

.: Life can be so confusing :.

2005-09-15T03:01:56Z

Normally I wouldn't be so confused, normally I wouldn't be bothered by this, though recently due to a conversation it sent me so deep into thought that I will be wondering this for another month or so unless it's solved. Want to know the full story...? Fine then, I shall do my best to tell it well.

Today, I went to my friend Cyde's(yes, her nickname) house to hang out, and she decided to get her hair dyed in a unique way, so called up a friend of hers that happens to be really good at it. Now, I must admit, she seemed really sweet and I enjoyed being welcome without being fully disincluded. We walked to the Target nearby Cyde's house and got red and orange hued hairdye for her. Then we headed back to her friends house, when a conversation struck up, about someone they knew finally dating one of their closest friends. Of course, these types of topics always interested me in the most, so I questioned with the following(with the answers next to them).

| Key - M=Me CF=Cyde's friend C=Cyde +'s=Actions| {Note - This is not exact}.

M: How long were they good friends for? - CF: Around eight years.
M: Did they ever flirt with each other before then? - CF: You mean like unintentional flirting? - M: Yeah, unintentional... - CF: For a while they seemed to and never noticed(or something like that).
(some stuff happened that I can't remember here)
C: If Peter were to ever date one of us two, I have to feeling it'd be Amanda. - M: +begins coughing heavily after breathing a little too quickly after drinking+ - CF: She seems like that type who doesn't believe in love(something like that).
| Two minutes later |
M: What kind of girl do you think he'd go after anyways, Cyde? - C: I imagine someone black or something, preppy style... - M: I'd hate to say it... though opposites attract, and I'm his complete opposite. Everyone says him and I should date... though... +trails off+

Well, that was basically it. I'm sent into this phase again, a really stupid one. I don't he'd like someone like me at all, or would he and it'd turn out to be another one of these stories where really close friends very later on find out they like each other and start dating. I really want to know so bad... it's killing me, though I'm certain it's not to happen, I need to get this all out of my mind... NOW.

Either way, Cyde got her hair done, it's hard to explain it though I loved how the girl did it. She also gave me red front streaks(after recieving permission of my mother), though they don't show too well, I might get another dye and go over it with it, since I loved it when the color showed more. It gives the fire versus ice/water effect due to my eye color, which would help make my eyes stand out more. Thank you, Cyde's friend, I really love your idea. Though I might stick with keeping my hair straight, making it wavy would just be another thing to waste time in the morning.

And now I am going to go, I need to go randomly ramble in a poetic form in my notebook...

.: A Sigh of Misunderstanding? :.

2005-09-04T04:19:03Z

I've never felt so confused in my life, it's to the point where it's actually starting to wear down on me, sadden me, so many other things. I just truthfully don't know what to do anymore, I just want someone to be able to cry to without them looking at me oddly, someone to hold me and protect me from the ever consuming darkness that eats at my soul, even through the actual good times. You may say I'm just in one of those phases, though for once... I'm not. Whenever I'm in a phase, I never cry, I just become withdrawn and curl up in a dark corner. Though if tears are spilt, it's no longer a phase.

I just don't understand the world at all, there are so many people who I can cry to online, though offline I have no one. Tears are not shed infront of people since I'd feel weak or I know they'd find me odd, no saying my pains to anyone since they will just laugh it away, nothing is here. My world has been getting consumed by my daydreams and nights by dreams, however nightmares remind me of my pain and the harsh reality. It's a shame, so many people have at least one person around, while my dog can comfort me, though not to the point where a human being can though. Hearing a truthfully caring voice would be nice once in my life, though those who beg can't chose, now can they?

Life shall pass on, perhaps one day I will find the piercing light I see in my nightmare that I can never reach, that angelic presence that guides a dark angel to the light and gives them a second chance. The only thing that is making me feel a bit better surprisingly is the two songs that I am listening to which are listed... they just symbolize how I feel right now in many ways, more than one.

And I feel better now by only a percent of what I felt before just speaking it all out... I wonder what would happen if I live close to the two males who I can openly speak with online, would they be there for me? Would the female who is literally like a mother to me be the mother I need desperately if I lived with her? So many questions, no time to ever see for myself. Though I can live and try to be happy, right? Maybe a dream will come true one day and fill the hole within my soul I need to keep moving on and make me see the brightest shining star I can thank.

.x| Actual Happiness? |x.

2005-08-24T01:42:00Z

Are you all ready to be really surprised? I was actually very happy for the first time in my life, a true happiness, you know, the one where nothing could actually throw you down? Yes, that is how I felt... it's just a great feeling that hasn't worn off from yesterday and even lasted until today, maybe even tomorrow.

The place I applied for called for an interview, I went yesterday... and the guy loved me. I got the job as a double-tasker, working not only as a cashier, though a porter, whatever they need I'm there for. My orientation is tomorrow, where I shall be going over the paperwork which won't be difficult at all, and talking over the dress code. Though I already know most of it after seeing it around so often and hearing some of it while I was waiting to speak with him for my interview, and after it when I needed to confirm my orientation date with him. Though he complimented me on actually having true cashier experience, which is rare for most my age, so... I suppose that is a good thing.

So things in life will now be a lot more busier... -sighs- A sort of negative thing, though it's getting me on my feet and earning me money... so it's really for the best.

Now I shall go.

It's been forever...

2005-08-19T03:41:13Z

Yeah, it's been forever, however I am alive on here and decided to start actually using it for when I need it the most, like a majority of the rants I give to people when they ask what it bothering me that seem to make no sense. Perhaps even to just talk about things I feel like getting out of my mind... like my list of classes for the school year. I shall not rant on about that now, however, since I have grown used to what I ended up stuck with.

I feel irresponsible right now as well, I just thought about so many things I have done wrong in so many places and know I should of been more mature... though the past is the past, mistakes are mistakes... and I shall let them pass by. Apologizes have and will be made, things mostly renewed, and I can get moving on with my life once again...

And here is a small thing I found on a good friends journal here, and the last step is needed to be done even though she may of not responded at this point, though I shall follow what it says willing...

01. Comment with your name and I will write something about you.
02. I will then tell what song/movie remind me of you.
03. If I were to apply an o'clock to you, it would be...
04. I will try to name a single word that best describes you.
05. I'll tell you the most memorable moment I've had with you.
06. I will tell you what animal you remind me of.
07. I'll then tell you something that I've always wondered about you.
08. Put this in your journal

And right now I'm singing along to Aerials since From The Inside ended on me... so I shall head off now.

.x| Such Confusion |x.

2005-07-14T03:15:09Z

Look at the smile in my picture? Is that what people expect of me in their happiest situations and tell me to smile? Even that one was a forced one from the day I willingly went to a sweet sixteen party and swore to try something different. Though I look ugly in dresses, so I'm not showing anyone that picture, since my grandmother toke it while I was talking as well. I'm not the prettiest girl in the entire world either and am simply horrified by putting up a picture of myself as an avvie, with temporary red streaks. That was really the only part of me I liked, besides my eyes. They stand out more now with my darker hair..

Anyways... I'm just not in the best of a condition anymore, I've been really out of it for quite a while and I want to be happy again. Though it seems impossible, so I just have to force a smile and push through the dark water which has a current that just keeps pushing me back to the same spot I've been for this week.. to the point I just want to take something to make me relax. Though, there isn't anything, not anything for me. My mother? Yes. Me? No.

Why am I so bad? There are many reasons. My dad has a case of hernia he is not getting properly taken care of yet, my dog has to have one of the cone things around her head and seeing her sad instantly makes me feel that way(since I've always felt a connection with her), I've been sick... and one other thing I won't talk about. There is really no one to talk to with my problems anymore who is there for me, since whenever I search one out, they are not there the moment I need them.

I know, normal teenage angst and all that for people who hate other people complaining about how their lives are sad. Fuck off if your one of them, these journals are to release ones feelings, except for those who use it to say they're going to hurt themselves. They are overreacting a bit, though I'm talking about what I am doing right now. Just going on about how things are fucking up my life to make it shitty, or how I feel it is at the moment.

I'll stop now, before I go into one of those moods where I just start typing curses like crazy since I get too stressed. Right now I'm going to wait for my song to end after this fourth repeat, go into my bedroom and listen to some of the softer Green Day songs I have, possibly Bach before that even, and try to fall asleep. Though I doubt I'll be able to, knowing my luck =3. G'night.

.x| Teh First Entry |x.

2005-07-10T02:31:38Z

I am pondering right now if I should keep this a public journal, or make it a friends only one. The only problem is I don't know/have many friends who use the livejournal system, so I believe I am stuck making this public until I find a lot of friends or something and turn this into a friends only journal.

Tell me, aren't vacations supposed to be fun? Well, I had a vacation to hell for the most part then, since I did not enjoy it. I won't go into the details because right now I am very irked still from earlier today/last night with all the noise they were making in the hotel room last night that ended up making me and my mother stay awake all night, or... have trouble sleeping.

And since this is my first entry, I am going to give everyone a break and just say goodbye for now... I'm too tired and stressed to put much thought into this entry tonight, even though it is only 10:31 here..